I want someone to tell me the right thing. I want someone to tell me do or do not do. I want someone to tell me the thing that is going to fix this.
I have the trust of my mother at a time when I am the only family member she trusts. When her delusions are so powerful that her sister, her only sibling, through no fault of her own, has become the enemy. All she said to her sister was that she thought she needed to see the doctor.
I have her trust and she doesn’t think she’s ill. She believes all the delusions she has and her sister’s involvement.
I have lost her trust before. 13 years ago, I had her involuntarily committed. She disappeared when I was out of town. I couldn’t get her on the phone when I returned and when I went to her place there were maybe two weeks of newspapers stacked up at her door. I knew then something was very wrong. My mother always stopped newspaper delivery when she was going to be away from home, knowing that newspapers left at the door signals thieves that no one’s home.
Two days, frantic, calling hospitals and hotels, looking for her. I called the management office of her apartment, thinking her might be late in paying rent, and explained the situation. She had come through the office that morning.
I went over to her place, knocked on the door. No answer. Tried my key and the chain was on the door. I talked to her through the gap to no response. Then I knew I had to call the police.
I don’t remember how the police got in. I remember her standing in front of the sink, rinsing out a pair of pant. Mute.
They eventually got her to answer in a whisper, “Are you a danger to yourself?” “Are you a danger to others?”
They were going to leave and I, in front of my mother, insisted that they take her in. They got me on the phone with someone to talk me down, since I was freaking out by that point. They also brought their sergeant in and committed her because she had thrown out all the food in her house.
It was a year and a half before she trusted me again after that. I have her trust now and so much more is at stake. If I lose her trust without getting conversatorship, we are back to where we are now except then she has no one.
I want someone to tell me that I should try to have her committed and damn the consequences.
I want someone to tell me that I should wait, that I should keep her trust at all cost.
I want a definitive answer when there is none.